So I go from being a "college educated guy working semi-professionally", making good money with a job that some might say was "nice" or respectful in some way or another to a run-of-the-mill, bottom line job that pays half what I made. How? ...Karma.
Nuff said.
So I thought about it some. The job now is boring, it's fairly repetitive with just enough interaction with complete idiots to make it interesting for a moment a few times a day. Did I mention the pay sucks?
I've come to realize I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, and I've always known I'm never the best looking guy in the room. I have had a minimal upbringing by lost and uninterested parents, giving me and my two siblings very little by way of a foundation of inner security and social abilities. Perhaps my comming to realize this over the past number of years is what keeps me from being as open, likeable or sociable as I'd like. I'm far happier sitting with my sweetie watching movies or alone in my "man cave" than I ever was or ever will be at a social gathering of any kind. Someone might see how insecure, how empty and maybe even "stupid" I really am.
They say "be confident, you'll raise your 'stock' just by doing that". Ok, but if I ACT confident, yet know the hidden truth, isn't that being artificial? Isn't that simply acting and not being myself? How can I be confident and honest at the same time?
My five adult (20, 20 (twins), 21, 21 (bio and adopted) and 27 y.o.) kids seem to avoid time with dad now. Sometimes I write it off as it's just boring for a kid to spend time with dad and other times I think maybe I'm not "all that and a bag of chips" to even them. ...Well, unless they need cash and help moving or something.
So, I'll go on working and suffering from ADD it seems and not getting much done on my time off and let another day, then another month and a few more years go by. What else can I do? I call the kids now and again and nobody has time, they are working, they are whatever. I know, I know, "every parent says that" except for my wife who's adult kids pay attention to her. Is it because she's mom, or is it because she gave them more in terms of "being there" than I gave to my kids? I'll have to ponder that. There's more to that story I suppose than I'll write here today, and after rethinking it I suppose I can't expect anything other than the way it is with the kids... More on that some other time.
So, anyway, guess I just wanted to yap someone about how I feel, about what I see in myself that makes me wonder how I made it this far and as well as I did.
Anybody else out there with the same realizations about themselves as I noted about myself as written here? You?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Work, then and now.
Stepping outside after 8 hrs in there I noticed the sun shinning and it felt good. The breeze took a bit of my hair and moved it across my forehead. I felt unusually light in my step as I realized I was leaving work behind without it following me home. Nothing about it was going home with me, not the worry of being on call nor the thought of wondering if the just finnished shift was my last, and nobody told me I'm not welcome at their after work gatherings.
When I left work that day I had nothing in my hands except a plastic bag with a tupperware bowl and lid, no bag of study materials or recently passed out orders to be followed. No on-call pager or phone, no need to wonder if I'd be stuck on nights for a month or a year or more and no being pulled away from home at 2:00 am to listen to an old lady bitch about the medical equipment she's renting, or to fix it by... plugging it back into the outlet.
As I stepped out into the sunshine I realized right then and there what it feels like to be able to leave work and leave work behind. That very day I was complimented (twice) on the good work I was doing. Talk about a change! I'll not ever take this job for granted. It will be a pleasure to not waste any time and to work as best I can to help ensure the long term viability of this company. I've not really given a hoot during the past 8 or nine years as it was obvious to me that my eight year employer, until September of last year, and lets call this "job 1", could give a rats ass about what was doable or not. The control-freak that managed the department the last two or three years did not want to hear how we as the employees (doing the day to day work that made the place exist at all) felt about anything regarding the work.
The people I worked with from November till mid March, at "job 2", were a click to beat all clicks and did not welcome "newbies" by any stretch of the imagination. I recieved direct and not so subtle indications that new people are not appreciated. The management there was preoccupied with being a neo-militarilistic, controlling type with the belief, apparently, that saying "good work" or "thank you" is a sign of weakness. Not one employee I spoke with nor any of the conversations I overheard indicated anything other than the idea of being complimented was forbidden and being written up was the order of the month... No kidding. Did I mention the "bad-ass" guy(s) that didn't sit down while working at thier stations who apparently thought playing kick-ass video games somehow made them kick-ass, cop wanna-be types? Again, no kidding.
So, a few weeks ago, before I left the para-militant employment camp (job 2) I interviewed and was hired for the work I'm doing now. I went back to work at job 2 the next Monday and and looked around there in the frown-factory and noted all the overweight, overworked, tums chewing, constantly bitching and overly stressed coworkers. Yup, not only was I barely able to keep up on the new-hire training curve, but I didn't think I needed to be so stressed out. So, I left the place behind me. I put all the company owned property in my locker and never went back.
I won't even discuss here (much!) the eight years at job 1 that were pretty good but slowly morphed into a control-freak play ground and ended on a bad note. I did not appreciate the job and i admit it. However, I know that the employee's well being is of little interest there anymore now that the over-compensator is at the helm. He seemed to be a tightly wound, insecure and therefore over-compensating type who's insecurity unknowingly makes him control freak. The sales mngr/department supervisor, when he wasn't on his knees in front of referral sources, was trying to kiss their ass in any and all situations and therefore came off as a spineless "manager wanna-be" due to his method of fixing problems by simply blaming the people in our department, no matter the issue or the source of any issue. The guys working in the department now are for the most part looking for other jobs. I discovered this while speaking with two of them recently. It is not the place it used to be! And now that "Oba-Mao" got his "health care" (uh-huh) bill passed there is no doubt that the job 1 business is going to be stretched to the financial limit and one wonders if they might even survive the next ten years... Glad I'm no longer there for that reason and so many others!
So, I'm happy at work now. I don't make quite as much money but the quality of my work is way up as is my contentment. My wife supports me in this and we are still very happy together and that is something I KNOW Mr. Overcompensator can only dream of in his own home! I think I'll leave how I know that to be true unwritten here...
I just put the bike away (2009 Heritage Classic) after a great afternoon ride and poured a cold Fat Tire. I don't mind, now, that weekends are only two days.
When I left work that day I had nothing in my hands except a plastic bag with a tupperware bowl and lid, no bag of study materials or recently passed out orders to be followed. No on-call pager or phone, no need to wonder if I'd be stuck on nights for a month or a year or more and no being pulled away from home at 2:00 am to listen to an old lady bitch about the medical equipment she's renting, or to fix it by... plugging it back into the outlet.
As I stepped out into the sunshine I realized right then and there what it feels like to be able to leave work and leave work behind. That very day I was complimented (twice) on the good work I was doing. Talk about a change! I'll not ever take this job for granted. It will be a pleasure to not waste any time and to work as best I can to help ensure the long term viability of this company. I've not really given a hoot during the past 8 or nine years as it was obvious to me that my eight year employer, until September of last year, and lets call this "job 1", could give a rats ass about what was doable or not. The control-freak that managed the department the last two or three years did not want to hear how we as the employees (doing the day to day work that made the place exist at all) felt about anything regarding the work.
The people I worked with from November till mid March, at "job 2", were a click to beat all clicks and did not welcome "newbies" by any stretch of the imagination. I recieved direct and not so subtle indications that new people are not appreciated. The management there was preoccupied with being a neo-militarilistic, controlling type with the belief, apparently, that saying "good work" or "thank you" is a sign of weakness. Not one employee I spoke with nor any of the conversations I overheard indicated anything other than the idea of being complimented was forbidden and being written up was the order of the month... No kidding. Did I mention the "bad-ass" guy(s) that didn't sit down while working at thier stations who apparently thought playing kick-ass video games somehow made them kick-ass, cop wanna-be types? Again, no kidding.
So, a few weeks ago, before I left the para-militant employment camp (job 2) I interviewed and was hired for the work I'm doing now. I went back to work at job 2 the next Monday and and looked around there in the frown-factory and noted all the overweight, overworked, tums chewing, constantly bitching and overly stressed coworkers. Yup, not only was I barely able to keep up on the new-hire training curve, but I didn't think I needed to be so stressed out. So, I left the place behind me. I put all the company owned property in my locker and never went back.
I won't even discuss here (much!) the eight years at job 1 that were pretty good but slowly morphed into a control-freak play ground and ended on a bad note. I did not appreciate the job and i admit it. However, I know that the employee's well being is of little interest there anymore now that the over-compensator is at the helm. He seemed to be a tightly wound, insecure and therefore over-compensating type who's insecurity unknowingly makes him control freak. The sales mngr/department supervisor, when he wasn't on his knees in front of referral sources, was trying to kiss their ass in any and all situations and therefore came off as a spineless "manager wanna-be" due to his method of fixing problems by simply blaming the people in our department, no matter the issue or the source of any issue. The guys working in the department now are for the most part looking for other jobs. I discovered this while speaking with two of them recently. It is not the place it used to be! And now that "Oba-Mao" got his "health care" (uh-huh) bill passed there is no doubt that the job 1 business is going to be stretched to the financial limit and one wonders if they might even survive the next ten years... Glad I'm no longer there for that reason and so many others!
So, I'm happy at work now. I don't make quite as much money but the quality of my work is way up as is my contentment. My wife supports me in this and we are still very happy together and that is something I KNOW Mr. Overcompensator can only dream of in his own home! I think I'll leave how I know that to be true unwritten here...
I just put the bike away (2009 Heritage Classic) after a great afternoon ride and poured a cold Fat Tire. I don't mind, now, that weekends are only two days.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
An admission
I have a confession to make, maybe an admission. It's something I've carried around inside for a long, long time. I feel now is a good time to say it.
So, here it goes... I am a closet liberal. There I said it. I've only pretended to appreciate our founding fathers and thier handy work via the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights, etc, that created a wonderfully prosperous and generous country in less than 250 years. Sure, our unique freedoms and liberty to earn and keep a vast majority of our labors, along with our property rights combined the the resulting initiative and work ethic has made us a very prosperous contry indeed. Our military is there to protect our freedom and the liberty of our allies as well. We give more in world aid than the next five countries combined. All this due to our very successful capitalistic way. So what.
So what indeed. I have to admit I want to have our government grow and take more and more away from business owners so that they are unable to hire more people, resulting in a prolonged recession. I wanted the "health care" (government growth and wealth redistribution) bill to pass. I want then our taxes and fees to go up so as to be less free and closer to slavery. Another Cuba is what I'd like us to be, complete with a psuedo dictator. ...And my wishes are coming true! All hail Oba-Mao! May he find a way via the left wingy media to keep fooling enough frigg'n idiots to be voted back in, and may he also find a way to skirt around the two-term limits and become the very brown-shirted leader he and his handlers know he can be!
Ha! April Fools day! May Obama and his minions puke blood until they pass out.
So, here it goes... I am a closet liberal. There I said it. I've only pretended to appreciate our founding fathers and thier handy work via the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights, etc, that created a wonderfully prosperous and generous country in less than 250 years. Sure, our unique freedoms and liberty to earn and keep a vast majority of our labors, along with our property rights combined the the resulting initiative and work ethic has made us a very prosperous contry indeed. Our military is there to protect our freedom and the liberty of our allies as well. We give more in world aid than the next five countries combined. All this due to our very successful capitalistic way. So what.
So what indeed. I have to admit I want to have our government grow and take more and more away from business owners so that they are unable to hire more people, resulting in a prolonged recession. I wanted the "health care" (government growth and wealth redistribution) bill to pass. I want then our taxes and fees to go up so as to be less free and closer to slavery. Another Cuba is what I'd like us to be, complete with a psuedo dictator. ...And my wishes are coming true! All hail Oba-Mao! May he find a way via the left wingy media to keep fooling enough frigg'n idiots to be voted back in, and may he also find a way to skirt around the two-term limits and become the very brown-shirted leader he and his handlers know he can be!
Ha! April Fools day! May Obama and his minions puke blood until they pass out.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
On "Earth Hour"
Today, at 8:30 p.m. (regardless of time zone, it's "your 8:30 p.m. wherever you are") we are all to turn off our lights and conserve as some sort of tribute or statement about the man made portion of global warming, saving our planet, etc.
I have always, always turned off the lights when leaving a room. I've tried all those years to get the kids to do the same. I've combined errands into one as much as possible to reduce gasoline use. In the summer we leave the thermostat higher and in the winter we leave it lower. I weatherstrip, insulate. It only makes sense to conserve and it saves money as well, by having to pay for less energy use. I even put in mercury laiden florescent "curly Algore approved" bulbs in many of our lamps and lights.
Sure, I don't mind conserving, it's not only good for the planet but saves on the bills as well.
So, I heard Rush and Glenn Beck both talking about "Earth Hour". I looked it up online.
At first I thought it wasn't a bad idea but I wondered what people do the other 8759 hrs of the year? Also, I've felt over the past year or three that there was a bit of a hoax going on in regard to the man made portion of global warming. Then... Yup, I heard of a number of emails that were leaked all but admitting the hoax, of which is there to make several people rich and control a portion of the population in one regard or another.
Here, read this, then come back: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504383_162-5761180-504383.html
Ok, read one more and then come back: http://www.stoptheaclu.com/2009/11/20/leaked-emails-confirm-global-warming-is-a-deliberate-hoax/
Ha, so the global temp has been cooling for the past 15 yrs, but who's REALLY keeping track? Geez.
Soooo, JOIN ME! Celebrate Earth Hour by turning on every single light in your house, I am! I'll turn on both televisions, all outside lights and the oven as well for that hour which starts in, lets see, in one half hour from now! I'm opening the curtains to show off the lighting! It's going to be a celebration! ...Just called my bud John, he's also gunna light up a celebration at his place and flip the bird to the climate nazi's!
Algore is kinda like Michael Moore, lying and truth-twisting for monetary gain. They should be ashamed and deserve to have even more lights shined at thier unethical behavior.
I have always, always turned off the lights when leaving a room. I've tried all those years to get the kids to do the same. I've combined errands into one as much as possible to reduce gasoline use. In the summer we leave the thermostat higher and in the winter we leave it lower. I weatherstrip, insulate. It only makes sense to conserve and it saves money as well, by having to pay for less energy use. I even put in mercury laiden florescent "curly Algore approved" bulbs in many of our lamps and lights.
Sure, I don't mind conserving, it's not only good for the planet but saves on the bills as well.
So, I heard Rush and Glenn Beck both talking about "Earth Hour". I looked it up online.
At first I thought it wasn't a bad idea but I wondered what people do the other 8759 hrs of the year? Also, I've felt over the past year or three that there was a bit of a hoax going on in regard to the man made portion of global warming. Then... Yup, I heard of a number of emails that were leaked all but admitting the hoax, of which is there to make several people rich and control a portion of the population in one regard or another.
Here, read this, then come back: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504383_162-5761180-504383.html
Ok, read one more and then come back: http://www.stoptheaclu.com/2009/11/20/leaked-emails-confirm-global-warming-is-a-deliberate-hoax/
Ha, so the global temp has been cooling for the past 15 yrs, but who's REALLY keeping track? Geez.
Soooo, JOIN ME! Celebrate Earth Hour by turning on every single light in your house, I am! I'll turn on both televisions, all outside lights and the oven as well for that hour which starts in, lets see, in one half hour from now! I'm opening the curtains to show off the lighting! It's going to be a celebration! ...Just called my bud John, he's also gunna light up a celebration at his place and flip the bird to the climate nazi's!
Algore is kinda like Michael Moore, lying and truth-twisting for monetary gain. They should be ashamed and deserve to have even more lights shined at thier unethical behavior.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Torn. Maybe I'm both. Maybe niether...
Holy shit. Just watched a movie called "Gamer". Cool. Maybe the bottle of wine I drank while watching it made it more than what it mighta been otherwise, but what the hell, it was freek'n cool. I wish my wife was here, she's at work, but maybe it helped me to enjoy the 'guy' flick with her there. Still, I wish she were here.
Ok, so I spent last night and part of today looking at videos at http://www.truthtube.tv/play.php?vid=3213 and I have to say that I feel very conflicted at times. The gut-wrenching truth about radical islam is a bit more than I'd care to share with those close to me as it might upset them. But then again, isn't that the hopes of the towel-headed fucks who gang-rape wives if they are deemed unworthy is some way, or the hopes of those cutting off the heads of "infidels"? If you want to see live, horrible and gut-burning mad videos of islamic shits cutting off the heads of horrified, tied up victims screaming (thier voice changes, BTW, as the tissue is cut through) as the jihadist's are taunting with Allah's praises, log on. It will piss you off like nothing has before if you have any conscience at all.
I could not sleep last night. I watched one too many videos.
Anyway, no one man can change anything in this world. But, one man can protect his family, or at least give it the good ol' fashioned American try, if ever needed. If. A big word.
"It will never happen to me", many have said about the need for effective self defense. I've written about that idiotic position many times. However, after my short stint at our 911 dispatch center I can tell you now in no uncertain terms that many people who have uttered those same words now wish they had some way of protecting themselves against the ravages of evil (in human form) instead of depending on the police. "When seconds count, the police are only minutes away" is now more than just a cute pro-Second Amendment rant.
Anyway, back to the point of this post.
I spend most every day having with me either a .40 cal glock or a 9mm Kahr Arms pistol with me. (As a side note, not one coworker was made to feel threatened, none knew! However, I'd like to think they were just a little safer, actually.) I've gone to Front Sight for several classes in defensive handgunning. Who knew that dumpy little me might shoot someone bent on ruining our lives here? Ha! Got ya. You believe that stupid crap? Kick in my back door and find out, bitch.
Sooo, why am I suddenly so "bad"? I know, I know, those that know me would laugh. This blog was supposed to be more introspectcive, less confrontational than either my web site or my other work directing those who might love freedom and liberty to ways to help preserve it. Most people are a bit sheeple like, you know, supposedly informed and yet only getting news via word of mouth or the major networks and who think only cops and criminals have guns, who think freedom is, always has been and always will be free. They are not only misled, but are completely unaware of not only what it cost to get our freedom in place but are also unaware of what is going on around them.
http://www.truthtube.tv/, if you have the guts.
So, Obama and his handlers along with a major portion of the house and senate are more closely aligned with radical islam than they are with you and me when it comes to the long term wishes for this country. Wake up if you think otherwise.
The title of this post is now comming into play. Both, or neither of what?
Although I've pretended in the past, I've spent two recent days thinking SERIOUSLY about shooting another person if they tried to kill me or a loved one. About the bloody mess that would be left, let alone the horror of the situation. Please, God, never let it happen. Yet, reality can be a knife in the gut. ...Literally for some. Be it my 12 guage or my glock, I'll fight and kill if need be to keep those I love safe. Yes, I have to say that if given a chance I'll expend much ammunition killing the towel headed radical islamic fucks here in this country that soon will receive marching orders to start killing... That's one side.
Tilly, our little min-pin just came into the room. She's cute! Smaller than most other min-pins, she's my baby. Almost as cute as "teeny boppi"! I picked her up and kissed her little cheeks as I held her and wanted her to feel comforted, protected. I miss my wife tonight as she is at work, can't wait for her to walk into the house! I'll kiss her and be so glad I'm hers, and will do anything to show her she's loved and wanted. That's the other side.
Maybe one side is reserved for protecting the other. No, not a conflict. One side never need be shone unless needed, and in fact hidden from most. The other side complete with kisses should shown as often as possible.
Neither? Not a chance.
Ok, so I spent last night and part of today looking at videos at http://www.truthtube.tv/play.php?vid=3213 and I have to say that I feel very conflicted at times. The gut-wrenching truth about radical islam is a bit more than I'd care to share with those close to me as it might upset them. But then again, isn't that the hopes of the towel-headed fucks who gang-rape wives if they are deemed unworthy is some way, or the hopes of those cutting off the heads of "infidels"? If you want to see live, horrible and gut-burning mad videos of islamic shits cutting off the heads of horrified, tied up victims screaming (thier voice changes, BTW, as the tissue is cut through) as the jihadist's are taunting with Allah's praises, log on. It will piss you off like nothing has before if you have any conscience at all.
I could not sleep last night. I watched one too many videos.
Anyway, no one man can change anything in this world. But, one man can protect his family, or at least give it the good ol' fashioned American try, if ever needed. If. A big word.
"It will never happen to me", many have said about the need for effective self defense. I've written about that idiotic position many times. However, after my short stint at our 911 dispatch center I can tell you now in no uncertain terms that many people who have uttered those same words now wish they had some way of protecting themselves against the ravages of evil (in human form) instead of depending on the police. "When seconds count, the police are only minutes away" is now more than just a cute pro-Second Amendment rant.
Anyway, back to the point of this post.
I spend most every day having with me either a .40 cal glock or a 9mm Kahr Arms pistol with me. (As a side note, not one coworker was made to feel threatened, none knew! However, I'd like to think they were just a little safer, actually.) I've gone to Front Sight for several classes in defensive handgunning. Who knew that dumpy little me might shoot someone bent on ruining our lives here? Ha! Got ya. You believe that stupid crap? Kick in my back door and find out, bitch.
Sooo, why am I suddenly so "bad"? I know, I know, those that know me would laugh. This blog was supposed to be more introspectcive, less confrontational than either my web site or my other work directing those who might love freedom and liberty to ways to help preserve it. Most people are a bit sheeple like, you know, supposedly informed and yet only getting news via word of mouth or the major networks and who think only cops and criminals have guns, who think freedom is, always has been and always will be free. They are not only misled, but are completely unaware of not only what it cost to get our freedom in place but are also unaware of what is going on around them.
http://www.truthtube.tv/, if you have the guts.
So, Obama and his handlers along with a major portion of the house and senate are more closely aligned with radical islam than they are with you and me when it comes to the long term wishes for this country. Wake up if you think otherwise.
The title of this post is now comming into play. Both, or neither of what?
Although I've pretended in the past, I've spent two recent days thinking SERIOUSLY about shooting another person if they tried to kill me or a loved one. About the bloody mess that would be left, let alone the horror of the situation. Please, God, never let it happen. Yet, reality can be a knife in the gut. ...Literally for some. Be it my 12 guage or my glock, I'll fight and kill if need be to keep those I love safe. Yes, I have to say that if given a chance I'll expend much ammunition killing the towel headed radical islamic fucks here in this country that soon will receive marching orders to start killing... That's one side.
Tilly, our little min-pin just came into the room. She's cute! Smaller than most other min-pins, she's my baby. Almost as cute as "teeny boppi"! I picked her up and kissed her little cheeks as I held her and wanted her to feel comforted, protected. I miss my wife tonight as she is at work, can't wait for her to walk into the house! I'll kiss her and be so glad I'm hers, and will do anything to show her she's loved and wanted. That's the other side.
Maybe one side is reserved for protecting the other. No, not a conflict. One side never need be shone unless needed, and in fact hidden from most. The other side complete with kisses should shown as often as possible.
Neither? Not a chance.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A man is what his job is?
So I left that wonderfully neurotic, multi-shift, iron fist managed, militant, never a positive feedback but only negative, immensely stressful and otherwise ok job a few days ago. I'm starting another job in just less than two weeks from now, one that guarantees second shift and will allow me to simply do one thing at a time. I'll not only be able to have a normal, matching schedule with my wife but will not be sleep deprived and sucking down antacid tabs like candy!
So, as we go about the daily things like taking dogs to the vet, readying the bike for riding, going to movies (Alice in Wonderland 3D this afternoon!) I am wondering about something...
If a man typically assigns his worth, unlike a woman, to his career, than what am I worth when I'm "between" jobs? Am I not so much a man because I'm taking a hit in pay rate? Am I less of a man due to my having a less stressful, less unique job? Some would argue that it's very true. I picture some random guy out there sneering at my position now between jobs and leaving a job I felt underwater with as he puffs his chest out with thoughts of his money making or his macho type, guy heavy job.
I used to be that way myself. I assigned my worth to my job, my paycheck. I've made very, very good money for years and now I'm simply going to make "ok" money. My wife and I have had a few discussions recently about this very thing and she told me that she'd rather have me happy at work and less stressed out, that she'd rather have our schedules match so we can spend time together that for me to make more money and not see her.
So, it occured to me that my worth to HER is much more important than the worth of my paycheck. There is a difference, and I am believing that difference between a man's emotional/relationship 'worth' to his wife and the worth of his professional position/paycheck is what many guys just don't get. I consider myself very lucky indeed.
My wife loves me, she wants me around. She shows me that in so many ways. For that I'm so very grateful and I will never let her feel any other way than loved, appreciated and wanted.
I have value afterall, immense value. I'm more than what any stink'n job is and for that I am gratefull!
So, as we go about the daily things like taking dogs to the vet, readying the bike for riding, going to movies (Alice in Wonderland 3D this afternoon!) I am wondering about something...
If a man typically assigns his worth, unlike a woman, to his career, than what am I worth when I'm "between" jobs? Am I not so much a man because I'm taking a hit in pay rate? Am I less of a man due to my having a less stressful, less unique job? Some would argue that it's very true. I picture some random guy out there sneering at my position now between jobs and leaving a job I felt underwater with as he puffs his chest out with thoughts of his money making or his macho type, guy heavy job.
I used to be that way myself. I assigned my worth to my job, my paycheck. I've made very, very good money for years and now I'm simply going to make "ok" money. My wife and I have had a few discussions recently about this very thing and she told me that she'd rather have me happy at work and less stressed out, that she'd rather have our schedules match so we can spend time together that for me to make more money and not see her.
So, it occured to me that my worth to HER is much more important than the worth of my paycheck. There is a difference, and I am believing that difference between a man's emotional/relationship 'worth' to his wife and the worth of his professional position/paycheck is what many guys just don't get. I consider myself very lucky indeed.
My wife loves me, she wants me around. She shows me that in so many ways. For that I'm so very grateful and I will never let her feel any other way than loved, appreciated and wanted.
I have value afterall, immense value. I'm more than what any stink'n job is and for that I am gratefull!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Loose ends
Loose ends from previous posts:
My daughter passed the police officer written exam, and now has passed the physical agility test. Way to go "Afwy"!
I quit the overly stressful job, with night hours, with an over-the-top militant management. I did not give a two week notice as I had no real responsibilities there yet on the schedule, still a "trainee". I found I am not the best at listening in one ear and retaining what is being said so as to key in the coding for it while typing in the coding from what was said previously, all while maintaining a picture of what's going on in a fast paced scenario. Hats off to those that can do it, I've always had respect for 911 types but now I have even more! I do think tho, that some of the trainers there are better than others, wish I had the final trainer earlier. Anyway, I start a similar position in two weeks and will be doing only one thing at a time AND as a bonus it WILL be second shift as promised... Uh, Ed, would it hurt you to show appreciation for those in the pit who are busting their asses daily/nightly?
I have caught up on my sleep, the acid stomach is resolving and I am actually looking forward to tomorrow!
My daughter passed the police officer written exam, and now has passed the physical agility test. Way to go "Afwy"!
I quit the overly stressful job, with night hours, with an over-the-top militant management. I did not give a two week notice as I had no real responsibilities there yet on the schedule, still a "trainee". I found I am not the best at listening in one ear and retaining what is being said so as to key in the coding for it while typing in the coding from what was said previously, all while maintaining a picture of what's going on in a fast paced scenario. Hats off to those that can do it, I've always had respect for 911 types but now I have even more! I do think tho, that some of the trainers there are better than others, wish I had the final trainer earlier. Anyway, I start a similar position in two weeks and will be doing only one thing at a time AND as a bonus it WILL be second shift as promised... Uh, Ed, would it hurt you to show appreciation for those in the pit who are busting their asses daily/nightly?
I have caught up on my sleep, the acid stomach is resolving and I am actually looking forward to tomorrow!
My choices, My God, and a big hole.
I came across a blogger who bases her blog and a majority of her posts on her relationship with God. Makes me think now of my relationship, or lack thereof, with God.
When I was almost 16 I accepted Christ as my savior, that is, was saved. I understand the idea even if it is lost on those who do have never accepted a relationship with Christ. Went through confirmation in a rather "un-Lutheran" Lutheran church, with Pastor Al Asper. He's with God now, but I do remember how he loved us. He gave me more hugs in the two years or so I knew him than either of my parents combined. ...That's another story I suppose. Anyway, he baptised a few of us while at camp in a river. He was a good man, a good pastor and there is no doubt he is worshiping God in heaven.
Soooo, I met a few people and smoked some pot. Learned what fun a girl can be with her clothes off. Joined the service, got married and had two daughters initially. Did not get along with her boyfriends and we divorced. More life, more time, more water under the bridge. Another wife, again, and my three now adult (step) kids and my two daughters barely know my name anymore. Well, one who is in the Army in Texas does good at least in pretending I'm on the top half of her "to see" list when she's home. I know, I know, seeing dad has got to be a drag for most any kid tho, I understand that. Although I can now see I was not equiped by my parents to deal with a lot about life or developing and keeping close relationships, I like to think I ended up ok. I'm not an alcoholic or druggy, not homeless, I go to work and am pretty much ok I suppose - depending on who you ask.
Notice tho, that there was a lack of mentioning God in that last paragraph? Yeah, definate lack of God in my life now. Even so, I still cannot stand when people take his name in vein, or try to remove mention of him from our currency, schools, etc. The ACLU is evil, almost as much as our current administration, in my opinion. Although I do feel ok, and intellectually accept that God is missing from my life, there's still something...
There is an emptiness I feel now and again, maybe a hole of sorts in my heart, my life.
The hole is usually felt at night as I stare at the ceiling. The heart I recently broke, the absence of God, the distance between myself and my kids, my losing my job recently and trying to find a nitche again, all make the hole more and more evident. It's nobody's fault but my own. All of it. I wish I could blame it on my parents but that would not be (totally) honest. I'm an adult and can make my own choices.
There's that word again, choices. I've preached to my kids that thier life will simply be a sum total of thier choices. Good choices or bad, they can choose. The decisions they make along the way, I've told them, will bring them to wherever they happen to be.
I've made many choices now and I've gotton myself to a place where much of my life feels empty. There is a growing hole it seems, and all this writing isn't filling it.
Yeah, I know, they were MY choices, my actions, my decisions...
When I was almost 16 I accepted Christ as my savior, that is, was saved. I understand the idea even if it is lost on those who do have never accepted a relationship with Christ. Went through confirmation in a rather "un-Lutheran" Lutheran church, with Pastor Al Asper. He's with God now, but I do remember how he loved us. He gave me more hugs in the two years or so I knew him than either of my parents combined. ...That's another story I suppose. Anyway, he baptised a few of us while at camp in a river. He was a good man, a good pastor and there is no doubt he is worshiping God in heaven.
Soooo, I met a few people and smoked some pot. Learned what fun a girl can be with her clothes off. Joined the service, got married and had two daughters initially. Did not get along with her boyfriends and we divorced. More life, more time, more water under the bridge. Another wife, again, and my three now adult (step) kids and my two daughters barely know my name anymore. Well, one who is in the Army in Texas does good at least in pretending I'm on the top half of her "to see" list when she's home. I know, I know, seeing dad has got to be a drag for most any kid tho, I understand that. Although I can now see I was not equiped by my parents to deal with a lot about life or developing and keeping close relationships, I like to think I ended up ok. I'm not an alcoholic or druggy, not homeless, I go to work and am pretty much ok I suppose - depending on who you ask.
Notice tho, that there was a lack of mentioning God in that last paragraph? Yeah, definate lack of God in my life now. Even so, I still cannot stand when people take his name in vein, or try to remove mention of him from our currency, schools, etc. The ACLU is evil, almost as much as our current administration, in my opinion. Although I do feel ok, and intellectually accept that God is missing from my life, there's still something...
There is an emptiness I feel now and again, maybe a hole of sorts in my heart, my life.
The hole is usually felt at night as I stare at the ceiling. The heart I recently broke, the absence of God, the distance between myself and my kids, my losing my job recently and trying to find a nitche again, all make the hole more and more evident. It's nobody's fault but my own. All of it. I wish I could blame it on my parents but that would not be (totally) honest. I'm an adult and can make my own choices.
There's that word again, choices. I've preached to my kids that thier life will simply be a sum total of thier choices. Good choices or bad, they can choose. The decisions they make along the way, I've told them, will bring them to wherever they happen to be.
I've made many choices now and I've gotton myself to a place where much of my life feels empty. There is a growing hole it seems, and all this writing isn't filling it.
Yeah, I know, they were MY choices, my actions, my decisions...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Holy crap, a follower!?
Sooo, a "follower". What does that mean? What do I do? Do I write now even more cleverly (ha) than ever? Maybe I should ignore the idea of someone actually having visited my blog and simply continue to blab sweet nothings...
To be honest, I do hit the "next blog" button often looking for that one person, maybe two, that I can get a connection with. I'm not sure what that might be, or what might catch my eye, but I to found a blog to "follow" and clicked on as such. However, apparently it was a "mega-blog" of sorts and I was to recieve a 'feed' of it. Boring. Didn't really feel like I connected, didn't think that person cares one way or the other about yet another person clicking anything at thier blog.
Who in particluar do I want to visit this blog? Nobody in particular, just someone who also believes they are pretty insignificant one day and ruler of thier domain the next. Someone who has tons of personal issues, who knows they are very far from any ideal and yet is smart enough to know it. Then again, that connection isn't ever to be face to face so it matters not if that person is in my home town or in Metsathpafritzapatitiuaham. Just someone to share ideas with. But how? Maybe just knowing someone might be reading this crap is good 'nuf.
Wow. A follower. Who is this masked person? Where does this person live? What does she do for a living? Is this person also drowning in doubt about thier career? Looking for some sort of connection via the eternal internet?
Why do I care? Maybe I'm so damn unsure of myself that I need some kind of positive confirmation from someone out there? My wife tells me I'm "all that and a bag of chips" but she's supposed to try to make me feel good, it's her job! I do know I'm alright tho, guess my general lack of confidence via my childhood bites me in the ass from time to time.
Did I waste this post? Is it all rediculous? I wonder if I should start another blog, and if so what would the subject matter be? Here, it's just crap with no real subject. ...Hm, is my life as such?
Welcome aboard, follower, hope your life is going better than where mine has been.
To be honest, I do hit the "next blog" button often looking for that one person, maybe two, that I can get a connection with. I'm not sure what that might be, or what might catch my eye, but I to found a blog to "follow" and clicked on as such. However, apparently it was a "mega-blog" of sorts and I was to recieve a 'feed' of it. Boring. Didn't really feel like I connected, didn't think that person cares one way or the other about yet another person clicking anything at thier blog.
Who in particluar do I want to visit this blog? Nobody in particular, just someone who also believes they are pretty insignificant one day and ruler of thier domain the next. Someone who has tons of personal issues, who knows they are very far from any ideal and yet is smart enough to know it. Then again, that connection isn't ever to be face to face so it matters not if that person is in my home town or in Metsathpafritzapatitiuaham. Just someone to share ideas with. But how? Maybe just knowing someone might be reading this crap is good 'nuf.
Wow. A follower. Who is this masked person? Where does this person live? What does she do for a living? Is this person also drowning in doubt about thier career? Looking for some sort of connection via the eternal internet?
Why do I care? Maybe I'm so damn unsure of myself that I need some kind of positive confirmation from someone out there? My wife tells me I'm "all that and a bag of chips" but she's supposed to try to make me feel good, it's her job! I do know I'm alright tho, guess my general lack of confidence via my childhood bites me in the ass from time to time.
Did I waste this post? Is it all rediculous? I wonder if I should start another blog, and if so what would the subject matter be? Here, it's just crap with no real subject. ...Hm, is my life as such?
Welcome aboard, follower, hope your life is going better than where mine has been.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Time for bed
Working nights of late has been a drag. Trying to stay up during the night on my days, er, nights off leaves me scouring the net looking for interested blogs to get ideas for my fledgling blog. ...Problem is so many people out there have great ideas or can write, neither of which fit's my descript. ...Time for night-nights. See ya'll next time around.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My fav hobby
One of my daughters wants to be a cop. She took the written exam and passed, and is taking the physical assessment tomorrow a.m. She wants to go "shooting" so she can "get more familiar with it". That's cool.
I sent her and another kiddie or two a few videos about how awefull life can be for a cop, especially dying by gunshots... Not trying to talk them or her out of it, but making sure she has thought about it carefully. She states she's considered it completely, and well, she's got a brain cell so I'll just have to put up with her having such a terribly dangerous and stressful job.
Anyway, we've gone shooting before. What I'm gunna do is have her over and have her learn and concentrate on two primary safety rules (there are more, I know) as we disassemble, reassemble and become familiar with the operation of a Glock. Glocks rule, BTW. My intention is to get her familiar with how the gun works, possible malfuctions, disassembly, care and cleaning, reassembly all with those pesky two primary rules: 1) Finger OFF the trigger until you are ready to fire the weapon, and 2) NEVER point the weapon at anything you do not want to kill or destroy. Period.
The police department here authorizes .40 cal glocks, purchased by the recruit. I'm hoping she picks up a longer slide glock, perhaps compensated for faster on-target follow up shots. If she has a longer barrel the bullet should develop effective velocity before the pressure bleeds off out the ports.
Be good, and may 4500 jihadist's meet their beloved end every day till they are all gone! Yes, I am a proud infidel!
I sent her and another kiddie or two a few videos about how awefull life can be for a cop, especially dying by gunshots... Not trying to talk them or her out of it, but making sure she has thought about it carefully. She states she's considered it completely, and well, she's got a brain cell so I'll just have to put up with her having such a terribly dangerous and stressful job.
Anyway, we've gone shooting before. What I'm gunna do is have her over and have her learn and concentrate on two primary safety rules (there are more, I know) as we disassemble, reassemble and become familiar with the operation of a Glock. Glocks rule, BTW. My intention is to get her familiar with how the gun works, possible malfuctions, disassembly, care and cleaning, reassembly all with those pesky two primary rules: 1) Finger OFF the trigger until you are ready to fire the weapon, and 2) NEVER point the weapon at anything you do not want to kill or destroy. Period.
The police department here authorizes .40 cal glocks, purchased by the recruit. I'm hoping she picks up a longer slide glock, perhaps compensated for faster on-target follow up shots. If she has a longer barrel the bullet should develop effective velocity before the pressure bleeds off out the ports.
Be good, and may 4500 jihadist's meet their beloved end every day till they are all gone! Yes, I am a proud infidel!
A day off
A day off, well, a night off. I took a wonderfully complicated and yet mildy neurotic job for the county a few months ago. A position complete with a majorly authoritarian management. Been training now and am again training on nights. -yawn. My wife is at work on second shift, either crocheting or reading mags between help alerts for a major international communications company. My two dogs, Trix and Tilly, a white Rat Terrier and black Min Pin are close at hand making sure I know they miss the mommy!
It's 7:13 p.m. right now. I've got season two of "Sons on Anarchy" to finish, another beer to get and a couple of wonderfully vacant hours to put my skills in doing nothing to work. See, you are reading just such a result right now!
Just got done with an interview, got the job. Not quite as much pay but much, much less stress and a guarantee of second shift and am to start in two plus weeks. Sooo, if my current sweat swamp with its built in nazi "never admit a good job done" regime doesn't hold true on the second shift note or if it becomes intollerable the next few weeks, or if my performance continues to be barely acceptable without the current improvement on my part, I have an escape.
Time to get a cold one out, put the "Sons of Anarchy" dvd in and veg. Melody, if you are out there, I hope you are having a good night and that you are still seeing Caleb regulary!
It's 7:13 p.m. right now. I've got season two of "Sons on Anarchy" to finish, another beer to get and a couple of wonderfully vacant hours to put my skills in doing nothing to work. See, you are reading just such a result right now!
Just got done with an interview, got the job. Not quite as much pay but much, much less stress and a guarantee of second shift and am to start in two plus weeks. Sooo, if my current sweat swamp with its built in nazi "never admit a good job done" regime doesn't hold true on the second shift note or if it becomes intollerable the next few weeks, or if my performance continues to be barely acceptable without the current improvement on my part, I have an escape.
Time to get a cold one out, put the "Sons of Anarchy" dvd in and veg. Melody, if you are out there, I hope you are having a good night and that you are still seeing Caleb regulary!
Who am I, really? Where am I? ...Why?
Spring is comming. I can tell I already wonder if I care about the warmer weather. I wonder if I'll lose any weight and look like I might care about the summer. Will I really enjoy riding this summer or will I just hit the road trying to look like I belong on the horsepower?
Blogging? WTF? Who blogs. Who the fuck cares about blogging? Motorcycles? Yeah, I'm a biker alright... A dispatcher? Yeah, the guys and gals up there look at me and say "dispatcher" alright... I think I'm not fooling anyone, and I'm certainly not fooling myself.
So, blogger? Well, according to the definition there is no reall definition accept to say you type some kind of dribble or another and click "post"... Does anybody read it? You did.
This will be my first post, and so I'll just hit the big picture here just to let anyone and everyone, maybe even nobody, in on what might be ahead. My (adult and semi-adult) kids think I'm nothing more than a political hack who can barely muster up the inclinatin to see me even once during the Christmas season. My ex-wife likely sees me as I really am, a child-like moron who is very self centered and runs away when things are tough. My wife now likely knows she can do much better and I just hope she doesn't act on that... I had a great job but mis-treated it and now am just barely getting by in regard to my ablity to my current job, and I may not have it long term, time will tell. I've felt the pain of having love ripped away and I've caused that very pain now as well. I've made patrols on submarines, jumped from airplanes, rode motorcycles, shot many guns, loved a few women, drove a semi, dispatched police, graduated from college, fought, loved, been to both coasts and Vegas, have tatoos, raised kids (some would say not so well however), been to a half dozen countries around the world, had sex in a park, listened to soviet submarines and beds of shrimp on the ocean floor, stood as a nuclear weapons security guard, put people on home oxygen, extubated (took off life support) an elderly man so he could die with his family, ran several 10k races, flew airplanes with my dad, fished, walked fields and dug forts and shot bb guns with my brother, swam in the ocean and laid on beaches, took flights on cargo planes and helicopters and small planes and airliners, been arrested, held my teenage daughter while she cried, felt the pride of a child when they did so very well and have also felt the pain when a child dished to me what I dished out to my parents as a teenager, gave a hungry man food on a corner, put up a suspended ceiling complete with wiring in the lights, saw a baby being born, held my child as thanked God for such a wonderful feeling, cursed God several times when pain or loneliness was unbearable, finally told my first wife that I known for 20 years now what she thought nobody else knew- just to let her know she never really got away with 'it', drove cross country, made a website, graduated from boot camp, killed a cat that was suffering, walked thru the woods, camped, took several defensive handgun courses, sailed on a small sailboat, took a daughter on her first rollercoaster ride, worked in an amusement park, worked at a Pizza-hut, worked as a pest control tech, worked as a respiratory therapist, worked driving a truck and delivering soft drinks, worked as a wiring tech for a manufacturer of electrical substations, even tried to sell cars, worked six years as a sonar technician in the navy, held my wife as we both cried because we found someone who we really love and want, cried because of a love and life together I threw away, been proud of daughters as they graduated from high school, been proud of a daughter after she graduated boot camp and is now an MP, been to a brewery in Europe, rode the tram in England and Holland, sat in a bar in Scotland on Christmas eve wondering what my three day old daughter in Nebraska looked like, felt the loneliness as a sailor missing his family, felt the joy of making love to my wife after being away for months, been in car crashes, enjoyed formal dinner and enjoyed messy barbeque in Kansas City, I cried when my dad died when I was 20, I cried when my mom died when I was 27.
So? ...Exactly. So fruck'n what? What are blogs for? Guess I'll find out. I'll start somewhere and end somewhere and maybe I'll pretend there's one person on earth that might care about what I think, and maybe, just maybe that person will take a moment to let me know they are reading this and have "been there" also.
See ya next time.
Blogging? WTF? Who blogs. Who the fuck cares about blogging? Motorcycles? Yeah, I'm a biker alright... A dispatcher? Yeah, the guys and gals up there look at me and say "dispatcher" alright... I think I'm not fooling anyone, and I'm certainly not fooling myself.
So, blogger? Well, according to the definition there is no reall definition accept to say you type some kind of dribble or another and click "post"... Does anybody read it? You did.
This will be my first post, and so I'll just hit the big picture here just to let anyone and everyone, maybe even nobody, in on what might be ahead. My (adult and semi-adult) kids think I'm nothing more than a political hack who can barely muster up the inclinatin to see me even once during the Christmas season. My ex-wife likely sees me as I really am, a child-like moron who is very self centered and runs away when things are tough. My wife now likely knows she can do much better and I just hope she doesn't act on that... I had a great job but mis-treated it and now am just barely getting by in regard to my ablity to my current job, and I may not have it long term, time will tell. I've felt the pain of having love ripped away and I've caused that very pain now as well. I've made patrols on submarines, jumped from airplanes, rode motorcycles, shot many guns, loved a few women, drove a semi, dispatched police, graduated from college, fought, loved, been to both coasts and Vegas, have tatoos, raised kids (some would say not so well however), been to a half dozen countries around the world, had sex in a park, listened to soviet submarines and beds of shrimp on the ocean floor, stood as a nuclear weapons security guard, put people on home oxygen, extubated (took off life support) an elderly man so he could die with his family, ran several 10k races, flew airplanes with my dad, fished, walked fields and dug forts and shot bb guns with my brother, swam in the ocean and laid on beaches, took flights on cargo planes and helicopters and small planes and airliners, been arrested, held my teenage daughter while she cried, felt the pride of a child when they did so very well and have also felt the pain when a child dished to me what I dished out to my parents as a teenager, gave a hungry man food on a corner, put up a suspended ceiling complete with wiring in the lights, saw a baby being born, held my child as thanked God for such a wonderful feeling, cursed God several times when pain or loneliness was unbearable, finally told my first wife that I known for 20 years now what she thought nobody else knew- just to let her know she never really got away with 'it', drove cross country, made a website, graduated from boot camp, killed a cat that was suffering, walked thru the woods, camped, took several defensive handgun courses, sailed on a small sailboat, took a daughter on her first rollercoaster ride, worked in an amusement park, worked at a Pizza-hut, worked as a pest control tech, worked as a respiratory therapist, worked driving a truck and delivering soft drinks, worked as a wiring tech for a manufacturer of electrical substations, even tried to sell cars, worked six years as a sonar technician in the navy, held my wife as we both cried because we found someone who we really love and want, cried because of a love and life together I threw away, been proud of daughters as they graduated from high school, been proud of a daughter after she graduated boot camp and is now an MP, been to a brewery in Europe, rode the tram in England and Holland, sat in a bar in Scotland on Christmas eve wondering what my three day old daughter in Nebraska looked like, felt the loneliness as a sailor missing his family, felt the joy of making love to my wife after being away for months, been in car crashes, enjoyed formal dinner and enjoyed messy barbeque in Kansas City, I cried when my dad died when I was 20, I cried when my mom died when I was 27.
So? ...Exactly. So fruck'n what? What are blogs for? Guess I'll find out. I'll start somewhere and end somewhere and maybe I'll pretend there's one person on earth that might care about what I think, and maybe, just maybe that person will take a moment to let me know they are reading this and have "been there" also.
See ya next time.
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