Thinking about me

So I go from being a "college educated guy working semi-professionally", making good money with a job that some might say was "nice" or respectful in some way or another to a run-of-the-mill, bottom line job that pays half what I made. How? ...Karma.

Nuff said.

So I thought about it some. The job now is boring, it's fairly repetitive with just enough interaction with complete idiots to make it interesting for a moment a few times a day. Did I mention the pay sucks?

I've come to realize I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, and I've always known I'm never the best looking guy in the room. I have had a minimal upbringing by lost and uninterested parents, giving me and my two siblings very little by way of a foundation of inner security and social abilities. Perhaps my comming to realize this over the past number of years is what keeps me from being as open, likeable or sociable as I'd like. I'm far happier sitting with my sweetie watching movies or alone in my "man cave" than I ever was or ever will be at a social gathering of any kind. Someone might see how insecure, how empty and maybe even "stupid" I really am.

They say "be confident, you'll raise your 'stock' just by doing that". Ok, but if I ACT confident, yet know the hidden truth, isn't that being artificial? Isn't that simply acting and not being myself? How can I be confident and honest at the same time?

My five adult (20, 20 (twins), 21, 21 (bio and adopted) and 27 y.o.) kids seem to avoid time with dad now. Sometimes I write it off as it's just boring for a kid to spend time with dad and other times I think maybe I'm not "all that and a bag of chips" to even them. ...Well, unless they need cash and help moving or something.

So, I'll go on working and suffering from ADD it seems and not getting much done on my time off and let another day, then another month and a few more years go by. What else can I do? I call the kids now and again and nobody has time, they are working, they are whatever. I know, I know, "every parent says that" except for my wife who's adult kids pay attention to her. Is it because she's mom, or is it because she gave them more in terms of "being there" than I gave to my kids? I'll have to ponder that. There's more to that story I suppose than I'll write here today, and after rethinking it I suppose I can't expect anything other than the way it is with the kids... More on that some other time.

So, anyway, guess I just wanted to yap someone about how I feel, about what I see in myself that makes me wonder how I made it this far and as well as I did.

Anybody else out there with the same realizations about themselves as I noted about myself as written here? You?