My choices, My God, and a big hole.

I came across a blogger who bases her blog and a majority of her posts on her relationship with God. Makes me think now of my relationship, or lack thereof, with God.

When I was almost 16 I accepted Christ as my savior, that is, was saved. I understand the idea even if it is lost on those who do have never accepted a relationship with Christ. Went through confirmation in a rather "un-Lutheran" Lutheran church, with Pastor Al Asper. He's with God now, but I do remember how he loved us. He gave me more hugs in the two years or so I knew him than either of my parents combined. ...That's another story I suppose. Anyway, he baptised a few of us while at camp in a river. He was a good man, a good pastor and there is no doubt he is worshiping God in heaven.

Soooo, I met a few people and smoked some pot. Learned what fun a girl can be with her clothes off. Joined the service, got married and had two daughters initially. Did not get along with her boyfriends and we divorced. More life, more time, more water under the bridge. Another wife, again, and my three now adult (step) kids and my two daughters barely know my name anymore. Well, one who is in the Army in Texas does good at least in pretending I'm on the top half of her "to see" list when she's home. I know, I know, seeing dad has got to be a drag for most any kid tho, I understand that. Although I can now see I was not equiped by my parents to deal with a lot about life or developing and keeping close relationships, I like to think I ended up ok. I'm not an alcoholic or druggy, not homeless, I go to work and am pretty much ok I suppose - depending on who you ask.

Notice tho, that there was a lack of mentioning God in that last paragraph? Yeah, definate lack of God in my life now. Even so, I still cannot stand when people take his name in vein, or try to remove mention of him from our currency, schools, etc. The ACLU is evil, almost as much as our current administration, in my opinion. Although I do feel ok, and intellectually accept that God is missing from my life, there's still something...

There is an emptiness I feel now and again, maybe a hole of sorts in my heart, my life.

The hole is usually felt at night as I stare at the ceiling. The heart I recently broke, the absence of God, the distance between myself and my kids, my losing my job recently and trying to find a nitche again, all make the hole more and more evident. It's nobody's fault but my own. All of it. I wish I could blame it on my parents but that would not be (totally) honest. I'm an adult and can make my own choices.

There's that word again, choices. I've preached to my kids that thier life will simply be a sum total of thier choices. Good choices or bad, they can choose. The decisions they make along the way, I've told them, will bring them to wherever they happen to be.

I've made many choices now and I've gotton myself to a place where much of my life feels empty. There is a growing hole it seems, and all this writing isn't filling it.

Yeah, I know, they were MY choices, my actions, my decisions...